


Pumpkin Barf

by bekommissar_is_canon



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: F/F, Fluff, One Shot, becommissar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-01
Updated: 2015-11-01
Packaged: 2018-04-29 06:58:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5119289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bekommissar_is_canon/pseuds/bekommissar_is_canon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Halloween in America is so tacky. Especially the pranks! Luisa would never fall for one. She is the Kommissar, after all. A Halloween Becommissar one-shot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pumpkin Barf

**Author's Note:**

> A Halloween-inspired Becommissar one-shot. Trick or treat!
> 
> Some swearing (the Kommissar swears in eight languages, after all).

 

“I think I’m ready,” panted Beca as she struggled with the clasp of her luggage.

“Maybe you should leave the panda onesie home,” said Luisa mildly.

Beca gasped in horror. “I will pretend you did not say that.” She cupped her mouth with her hands and hollered inside. “Claudia! I need your help!”

A beaming nine-year-old with bouncy black curls barged inside their bedroom. “Geronimo!” she yelled and threw herself on Beca’s bag.

“Thanks, pal!” The suitcase shut with a groan, threatening to burst open any second.

Luisa winced. “How you manage to leave everything to the last second, I don’t know.”

“It’s a talent.” She gave Claudia a bear hug. “See you soon, sweets! Look after Luisa.”

“Have fun with The Spooky Pumpkins in Chicago!” said Claudia and gave Beca a big kiss.

“You make sure you get on the right plane,” grinned Luisa. “Call us the minute you land.”

“Of course I will.” She stood on her toes to kiss her ginormous wife. “I’m really sorry I have to work on our first Halloween in the States.”

Luisa rolled her eyes. “You Americans are obsessed with Halloween. And the pranks! Everywhere I look, I see rubber spiders and red food coloring. So juvenile.”

“We Americans are very proud of our rubber spiders,” retorted Beca and Claudia nodded vehemently in agreement.

***

“Pumpkin barf!” giggled Claudia, smearing pumpkin flesh on her best friend Aisha’s arm.

“Ewww! Aunt Luisa, Claudia’s playing with pumpkin barf!”

“Better than playing with human barf,” said Luisa with a straight face. “You see, pumpkin barf can be made into pie, but human barf is just gross.”

The three were busy carving pumpkins in their spacious kitchen. Even though they weren’t finished unpacking, their new home was a lot cozier than the cramped flat they had in Munich for years. Luisa was especially fond of their new backyard, where Claudia would play for hours in good weather. She did miss Munich, but living in the U.S. definitely had its perks, not least because her wife and daughter were American citizens.

 “My jack-o-lantern is going to look really scary,” announced Aisha.

“Mine is going to look like it needs a trip to the dentist.”

“Well, good thing we’re living near Aunt Amy’s dental clinic,” said Luisa seriously. The doorbell rang and she looked up in surprise. Didn’t trick-or-treaters come in the evening?

She opened the door to see a pimply adolescent dressed up as a pizza delivery boy. Even the teenagers played dress up! So _kindisch_ , childish, this country.

“Nice costume,” she grimaced. “So, do you want gummy bears, a chocolate bar or jelly beans?”

He stared at her with a confused expression. “I didn’t –“

“Yes, you didn’t say trick-or-treat, but I’m very perceptive.” She shoved a candy bar in his satchel and waved him goodbye. “Happy Halloween!”

She closed the door in his face. As she put down the candy, he started pounding at the door.

She opened the door exasperatedly. “How much candy do you expect, I gave you a piece –“

“I’m not a trick-or-treater!” he exclaimed. “You ordered pizza! Now pay up!”

“Pizza?” repeated Luisa. “I didn’t order –“

“Lady, I have a dozen pizzas going cold,” he said impatiently. “Just take the damn pizza and pay, will you?”

As the girls dug happily into the pizza with anchovies and sardines (she gagged at the sight), her phone chimed.

“Happy Halloween!! I made sure to order your favorite! Xx Beca.”

Luisa rolled her eyes and turned back to her pumpkin, shaking her head at Beca’s pathetic attempt of a prank. That wasn’t even funny, let alone scary. Beca had a lot to learn.

***

Okay, she had to admit that some were more creative with their pranks.

Like Mrs. Sanders, who answered the door dressed as a pilgrim and flipped through a calendar in confusion. Or the Taylors, who handed out caramel apples to the girls and a caramel onion to her.

Still, nothing was really scary. Not even that scarecrow on the Pembrokes’ lawn that turned out to be their teen son.

“I didn’t know your mom could scream that high,” said Aisha in wonderment.

“She used to be a singer,” explained Claudia, tugging at her cape.

“I did not scream,” objected Luisa.

“What did she say?”

“Shit. In German.”

She wasn’t a bad influence, she was just raising a bilingual child.

On the dark street they passed ghouls, skeletons and one Harry Potter. “What are you supposed to be?” asked a zombie with protruding brains, pointing at her black costume with fishnet sleeves.

“She’s a German Kommissar,” said Claudia proudly.

“You’re not very scary,” shrugged the zombie and shuffled away.

“Don’t listen to him, Mom,” said Claudia consolingly. “Mommy always says she was scared shitless when she first saw you perform.”

Okay, so she was a bad influence.

“I think you girls have more than enough candy for the next five years,” said Luisa, eyeing their bulging jack-o-lantern bags. “Time to drop Aisha home.”

“Nooooooo!” protested Batman and Princess Jasmine simultaneously.

“But Moooom –“

“No buts,” she said firmly. “It’s already half past nine, and Professor Bahar asked me to have Aisha back before ten.”

Strangely enough, the Bahars’ house was pitch black.

“Shouldn’t your father be home?” asked Luisa.

“Yes, he said he would be home grading papers,” squeaked Aisha. She rang the doorbell in panic. “Daddy!”

“Don’t worry,” said Luisa soothingly. “I’m sure he’s just fine. Yes, hello, Professor Bahar? Luisa Meyer.”

“Oh, Mrs. Meyer! Thank goodness you called! The local kids are wreaking havoc at the cadaver lab!”

Luisa stared at her cellphone. “I beg your pardon?”

“They are throwing stink bombs through the windows, they have smashed the lockers – oh, now they’re breaking the lock! Please, I need your help! Can you leave the girls with Mrs. Mitchell and drive over?”

“Beca is out of town,” replied Luisa, hearing the sound of glass shattering and people cackling in the background.

“Oh, they can wait in the car, then, please hurry!”

Luisa pocketed her phone dazedly. “Your father is at the medical faculty,” she explained to the worried girls. “Apparently he is dealing with a couple of Halloween pranksters. He asked us to come over.”

This was exactly why Halloween was such a bad idea, thought Luisa fretfully as she piled the girls into the car. It wasn’t enough that it caused tooth decay in children, no, it was an excuse to get liquored up and damage property. Luckily, the medical faculty wasn’t too far away.

“Do you know where the anatomy institute is?” she asked.

“That building, on the left,” pointed Aisha.

She ran in the darkness to the gray, concrete building. Strangely enough, nobody was in sight.

“You girls wait for me right here,” she ordered and rushed to the main entrance. The hallways were completely abandoned. She flicked the light switch – no light.

“Mrs. Meyer!” she heard Professor Bahar yell in the distance. “I’m in the cadaver lab!”

“I’m coming!” she hollered and jumped at her echoing voice. She noticed the lockers were flung open and their contents spilled on the floor. She heard someone cackle and jumped in fright.

Cadaver lab. Scheiße. She couldn’t even watch Gray’s Anatomy without skipping half of it, let alone stand in the same room with a dozen rotting corpses.

Okay, think bad-ass. Think DSM. She cracked open the door to the cadaver lab and sighed in relief. Just a bunch of sinks. The corpses were … on the other side.

She heard a window smash and Professor Bahar cry out in alarm. Oh, she was being ridiculous. She was the Kommissar. She had scared her wife shitless when they first met.

Fucking Halloween. She took a deep breath and pushed the heavy door open.

She was hit with a dizzying smell of various chemicals that stung her eyes. Shit, her eyeliner was going to be ruined. She pulled at a chain on the ceiling and flinched as the fan noisily sprang to life.

To think people voluntarily signed up to go through this hell, she thought in horror. She eyed the dozens of steel tables in trepidation. Thankfully the corpses were tucked neatly under white sheets … was that a _hand_ peeking out?

“Oh, Mrs. Meyer, I am so grateful that you came over!” cried Professor Bahar from an adjacent room. He came over to her side, decked in a white lab coat covered in fat specks. On his hands were thick blue gloves covered in goo and blood and oh, she was about to throw up.

“Those rascals have emptied all the organs on the floor and emptied the bottles of Formaldehyde!” he despaired. “Put on these gloves and help me clean up!”

“Clean up?” she repeated weakly.

“The organs on the floor, they go back in the red bins,” he explained. “Not the beige ones, that’s for the adipose tissue. If you see a cadaver with the intestines spilled on the table, just shove them back in the cavity. Any questions? Good, I’ll go check on the girls.”

Without waiting for an answer, he bustled out the door, leaving her all alone. She swallowed her pumpkin barf and snapped on the weird smelling gloves. She took a step and heard a disgusting squelch. Now her shoes were ruined, too.

Luisa bent down to pick up the squished organ – scheiße, was that a _lung_? – and shuddered at the spongy texture. She grabbed a red bin and threw it on top of what seemed to be a cut-open heart.

 _Thud._ She looked up in alarm. Something had fallen on the floor. Why were things moving when she was alone?

She slowly approached the source of the noise. A pair of surgical tweezers were lying on the floor. It must have fallen off the table, knocked over by the … twitching hand?

Why was the corpse twitching? Didn’t rigor mortis set in a lot earlier?

“I’m imagining things,” she said out loud in German. “It’s a trick of the light. That is a dead corpse. Well, if it’s a corpse it’s already dead.” She laughed out loud to calm herself. “See, it’s dead!” She prodded the stiff hand with the tweezers.

Holy-crap-it-was-moving. She started to hyperventilate. “Professor Bahar?” she gasped.

“He’s not here,” came a raspy voice from the corpse as the other hand slowly raised to the sky, brandishing a scalpel.

Luisa let out a bloodcurdling scream and ran, tripping over a liver, fuck the boots, she just had to get outside, she tugged open the door –

“Happy Halloween!” cheered about twenty people, including Batman and Princess Jasmine in lab coats.

Luisa stood gobsmacked in front of the group of whooping people, a blank expression on her face.

“Say cheese!” yelled Amy, who was holding a cam recorder.

“You tricked me!” shouted Luisa finally. “Scheiße!”

“That means shit in German,” said Aisha importantly to her father.

“And we got you good,” said a cheerful voice behind her, her favorite voice in the world. The owner of the voice put her arms around her neck and gave her a kiss.

“Why, you little –“

“You gave me quite a shock too, though,” said Beca, pointing at her pricked, powdered hand. “Those tweezers are sharp!”

Luisa slapped a hand to her forehand and grimaced as she remembered her slimy gloves. “And you two were part of the trick?” she asked the girls incredulously.

“We were very convincing, weren’t we?” beamed Aisha.

“It was our idea to have Mommy be the corpse!” said Claudia gleefully.

“Come on, the party continues at our place!” said Beca amidst the cheers.

“What about the organs, and the chemicals?” asked Luisa in concern.

“Those weren’t real organs,” said Professor Bahar, patting Luisa on the back. “I apologize for the fright we gave you, but your wife is very persuasive.”

Luisa shook her head. “You have no idea.”

***

“Sweet dreams,” whispered Luisa and kissed Claudia’s forehead. She tiptoed outside and went to the kitchen, where Beca was washing the dishes.

“I can’t believe you went to all this trouble,” she marveled. “All of this, just to scare me.”

Beca dried off her hands and wrapped her arms around Luisa’s waist. “Well, you kept on saying how tacky Halloween was, and how you’d never fall for a prank, so I decided to teach you a lesson.”

“You’re evil.” She gave Beca a sweet kiss. “Though I am happy you’re not with The Spooky Pumpkins. I hate it when you’re away.”

“You should have known I would never let you celebrate your first American Halloween alone,” grinned Beca. She nestled her head in Luisa’s warm chest and inhaled her flowery scent.

“We really should invite Aisha and Professor Bahar over for dinner sometime.”

“Hey, he had more fun with it that I did,” laughed Beca. “He was the one who came up with the organs on the floor.”

“That poor man. Talk about a bad influence.”

“You’re one to talk about influence. I distinctly heard Aisha yell ‘Scheiße!’ when she stubbed her foot.”

Luisa cleared her throat. “Speaking multiple languages makes kids smarter.”

“And so you decided to start with the basics,” joked Beca. “Come on, let’s go to bed.”

They walked upstairs hand in hand, both smiling at the sound of Claudia’s deep breathing.

“Halloween in Germany next year?” whispered Beca.

“Please.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> [My doodles of the story!](http://bekommissar-is-canon.tumblr.com/post/132351903008/some-quick-doodles-for-pumpkin-barf-with-claudia) I think I'll continue writing this ^


End file.
